4 years since you’ve been gone.

Whenever it gets to this time, I think about how fast time goes and how my mind slowly begins to forget her. Not completely, but parts of her I don’t want to forget, loosing her was the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. She was my mum, my rock, my everything. I never needed anything else. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache, my stomach contract and I get a lump in my throat. I think so much about the what ifs, what if I realized sooner, what if I could of stopped it, what if we had better doctors. I know I can never change the past but the past has made me who I am. The past doesn’t allow me to forget the pain of her passing but only builds the strong woman I am today. I miss her with every cell of my body. I just want her back. I just want to hug her again and hear her soothing voice. It’s not enough to hear it in the echoes of my mind. Sometimes I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. Why did this have to happen to me? Loosing your Mum breaks you in a way, especially losing her young and only you can build yourself back up. Be strong for her, be strong. This is what I tell myself when all I want is to have her back. How has it been nearly 4 years already, it’s not easier. I just feel the pain more everytime.